Dark Atlantis headed for Escapist Expo this weekend! With agents D. B. Gengar and Splash Winterfall currently hiding away at an undisclosed location, the children of the Destiny Falls Orphanage must pull together and step up to brave the many dangers of the dark island city. Join them this weekend at the Escapist Expo for two missions on Saturday 9/15 at 2:00pm and 8:00pm.

With a nod to the quickly vacating attendant, the man continues, “You see, it is one of my duties to find peaceful resolutions in these kind of situations. When both parties are amenable of course. When not, well, I ensure the proper protocols are observed.”

“Did not write this!” he barks out hoarsely, carefully keeping his eyes far from the great white wolf’s gaze of emerald fire.

The man sighs as he collects the discarded note. “Big Bad, these have been floating all around the Slums for over a week. Did you think it would go unnoticed, that there wouldn’t be consequences to calling out the Queen’s own? And more peculiar still, to find you here in such a poor state. Yes it is quite strange, but I shouldn’t let myself get distracted from the business at hand. As the aggrieved party, Woofio can determine the field if he so chooses.”

“DID NOT WRITE!” his roar breaks into a ragged coughing fit. The white wolf remains impassive as stone, but the injured fae shrinks away in fear. This is the first time he’s been cornered, his first time as the prey.

The man hides a smile by issuing a shallow bow towards Woofio, “The Queen’s Champion has chosen to field the duel. He has opted for tooth and claw, but you may choose a weapon if you so desire.”

“WAIT. I am… witness. Know secrets. Need state protection, spymaster.”

The man folds his arms, clearly skeptical, yet gestures for the fae to continue. “What could you possibly have witnessed that would warrant the Citadel’s attention?”

“Underground competition, blood of two god-touched as prize. Just two small men, but defeated the Earl King, did this to me, and slew Itsy Bitsy.”

An explosion of movement pins the Big Bad Wolf to the hospital bed as twelve sets of hands grip him like cold iron. The fae whimpers as cruel fingers dig into unhealed wounds, but something in the man’s contorted gaze silences him. When Piper speaks again his voice is calm and dead, “Woofio, I thank you for your assistance in this matter. But I’m afraid I need to have a private discussion with this fae about these men. The two men who killed my son.”

Agents Sandie Tavros and Kellsen Howler warily eyed the jungle island of Tinderforge as what remained of their pirate ship dropped anchor just off the coast of the southern shore. Neither could shake the feeling of dread as they contemplated the task ahead of them.

Two weeks ago no one had heard of this little spit of land off in the dark northern sea. Then it was discovered that not only was it a base of operations for the dastardly GBK, but potentially one of the final resting places of the Dead God Firestone. Since then the Agency had practically been at war with the Fae, each scrambling to be the first to claim the prize it represented. The Agency’s mortar teams had been wiped off the map, the Fae’s Hunter-Seeker had been knocked down from the sky by the Necropolis’ Boneshaker, and the agents of Team Alpha had vanished without a trace.

Now a week later the chaos had finally died down, so it was their turn to investigate the mysterious island and perhaps find out what had become of the missing agents. Things were already off to a good start as doomed missions go. They’d made a promise to a feared pirate captain in exchange for transport to the island, then were nearly shipwrecked when a sudden storm took them on the open sea. Next their ship had been boarded by an cryptic ocean spirit named Wendy, and all the pirate’s men opined that sort of thing rarely foreshadowed peaceful uneventful voyages. Doomed voyages, it was agreed, were a more typical result of that sort of spiritual world malarkey.

And so with some reluctance the agents set foot on the island, hoping to find out that their worst fears were nothing but that. What greeted them next was a scene of unnatural carnage at the base of the dark obsidian obelisk in the heart of the jungle. At a guess it must have been the remains of about a dozen of GBK’s men, however the confetti like distribution of limbs and various organs made exact estimates difficult. The agents, drawn forward by the Muerte Wand and long chain of bad life choices, cautiously entered the obelisk and headed deeper into the abandoned lair of GBK…

There the agents met up with the irrepressible Frederick Gerard, who Sandie quickly suppressed after about thirty seconds. After some slapstick antics the agents found themselves sharing an underutilized prison with a couple of werewolves. There they discovered more signs of Team Alpha’s work, and activated a teleportation ring that deposited them deep in the bowels of the facility where they laid claim to a legendary artifact: The Severed Leg of the Dead God Firestone.

This acquisition soon turned into a deadly game of keepaway, as the agents fled room to room from the onslaught of Team Alpha (now possessed by the warring godlings Veyron the Racing Flame and Wendy of Storm’s Eye) and the ever ravenous Boneshaker of the Necropolis! Kellsen managed to pin D. B. Gengar beneath a warsuit while Sandie distracted him with a well played Chameleon Giraffe. Sensing it was time to cut their losses, the agents hurled the legendary artifact into the facility’s generator, turned all available knobs and levers to “explode”, and opened their umbrellas.

The resulting wave of searing fire launched the agents into the upper levels of the facility, but the elementally hardened umbrellas shielded them from the worst of the flames. After trudging back down the soot covered staircase, they beheld the roiling ghost of Veyron trapped in a circle of ash that sealed him from all sides. The exhausted agents collected the once again unconscious members of Team Alpha, while Boneshaker snarfed down on the writhing soul of Veyron. Xyla, the beast’s handler, offered them a ride back home which they gladly accepted. Aboard the great monster they soared above the black sea and watched as the gathering storm obscured the cursed island of Tingerforge till it faded away to nothing.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

• First encounter with godling Wendy of Storm’s Eye
• First encounter with Xyla the Shy of the Necropolis’ Kings Guard
• Made a deal with Pirate Yologo involving a parrot’s feather
• Fed the godling ghost known as Veyron the Racing Flame to the Boneshaker of the Necropolis
• Obtained: (1) Souls of Althea Tavros
• New Equipment: Muerte Wand
• New Equipment: Storm Wall Umbrella
• Intel: Boneshaker can now fly after eating souls.
• Intel: Possible lead involving the legendary Glade
• Intel: Report AG07 on recovery of Team Alpha

ACHIEVEMENTS

• THROW THE WOLF DOWN THE WELL
• DUPLICITOUS DECOY
• YOUR UMBRELLA: NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT!
• FREDDY BONEMUFFLED

The agents of Team Alpha were no strangers to dire situations, however their current prospects seemed bleak indeed. They were far from home and the merciless depths of the ocean stretched towards the horizon, seemingly endless but for a brief glimmer of red fire from the distant Lustrum Falls. Yet the Hunter-Seeker kept flying onward, drawing them ever further from Dark Atlantis, and ever closer to the island of Tinderforge.

Across the table, Sheila of the Fair regarded the agents with eyes like cold stone. Her Terrene underlings had just sighted the island, and would even now be placing a call out to Piper. Once that was done, the agents would be unable to stop the Fair from claiming Firestone. And if they survived long enough, they would even get to answer to Piper himself.

Suddenly the flying house was rocked with bone shaking force, and the Terrene scrambled to regain control of the Hunter-Seeker’s turbulent flight. The sharp cracking of timber rose over Sheila’s shouted commands, until that too was drowned out by the howling wind now tearing through sundered house. Sheila turned towards the agents, her eyes lit with fury and accusation, but whatever words she might have said were lost as she was swept out into the spinning night sky. The agents quickly hunkered down and braced for impact…

The next thing Splash knew he was floating amidst the wreckage just off the coast of the mysterious island. As he swam towards the shore, he found his mind drifting to a long forgotten memory of his childhood in the elemental planes. And how what might have been was stolen from him and his brother by the photon elemental named Strange.

Shaking himself from his unexpected reverie, Splash pulled himself and a stowaway Terrene onto the beach. The Terrene introduced himself as Smithereen Smith and quickly proved his usefulness by dislodging D.B. from the tree he had landed in. The group began making their way inland towards what they hoped was the other half of the shattered Hunter-Seeker.

The agents halted their progress as something huge began thrashing about in the jungle before them. D.B. turned and ran from the unknown danger, only to be checked in the face by the smarmy Ridley Warrendor. As D.B. crashed to the ground, a strange vision overtook him…

Inside the castle a man approached D.B., ordering him to assist in carrying out new orders from the King. It soon became apparent that these orders were to serve an eviction notice to several elder dragons.

The dragons protested that they had paid their taxes in full, even though it left them barely enough to cover their considerable medical expenses. The tense situation ignited as D.B.’s companion drew his dark blade and began forcibly evicting the dragons from their mortal coils. D.B. quickly drew his bow and began throwing it for all he was worth as the cavern exploded with torrents of dragon fire.

The last dragon drew one final rasping breath from his oxygen tank, and then all was silent. Unable to move, D.B. found himself staring up into the mad gleam of his companion’s eyes. The dark sword rose and fell once more, and the vision was washed away by a great darkness.

D.B. awoke to an even stranger sight than his sudden glimpse of the past. With Smithereen Smith and an adolescent dragon providing musical accompaniment, Splash was wildly dancing like a crab driven mad from thirst. His efforts at an impromptu rain dance appeared to pay off as a light shower of rain began to fall. The curious dragon, not a fan of such weather, lumbered off into the jungle seeking someplace to stay dry.

The agents continued onward in their typical fashion, setting fire to madmen, outwitting giant woodchucks, and leading men to their untimely deaths. At long last they were reunited with Salty Peat, Frederick Gerard, and the remains of the downed Hunter-Seeker.

Celebrations however were cut short by the return of Sheila, and the furious faerie was in no mood for further games. “I have your true name, and I will use it to crush your still beating heart for what you’ve done, Splash Winterfell.”

Perhaps frustrated at being of accused of something that for once wasn’t actually his fault, Splash Winterfall snapped back “That’s not my name.”

Sheila, much obliged, corrected herself and began to slowly extinguish his life-force, while D.B. was beset by former allies now turned into puppets of the fae. As Splash’s vision began to fade into that final darkness, he desperately shouted to the Hunter-Seeker for help.

Deep within the scarred remains of the semi-sentient house, something began to stir. A letter, written in a combination of elegant cursive script and a simpler block letters, slowly unfurled like a mailbox flower.

The house was wracked by pain and fear, but it had one last mission. It would not let down the neighborhood in its hour of need.

Sheila’s triumph was only interrupted for brief moment as she felt the strange nagging sensation of having forgotten something important… And then the house came crashing down around her.

ACHIEVEMENTS

Contributing Agents: D. B. Gengar and Splash Winterfall
Award:

During the Subconscious Extraction of Dr Gulliver it was discovered that the GBK stronghold known as Tinderforge might also be the final resting place of an ancient being known as Firestone. But before the agency could act on this new intel the Fae citadel of Arbenzafe hoisted anchor and began flying towards the northern coastline.

Suspicious that the Fair had somehow intercepted information from Gulliver’s dream, the Agency dispatched a team to the Hallway of Whispers. Their worst fears were confirmed: Piper himself had ordered the preparation of a Hunter-Seeker to locate the remains of Firestone. The Agency issued a Class D Armageddon Advisory and hastily assembled the mortar team with D. B. Gengar and Splash Winterfall providing support.

Seeing Arbenzafe up close is often a very disconcerting experience so Team Alpha quickly set to work boosting the moral of the obviously doomed mortar strike team, before beating a dignified yet hasty retreat towards the harbor. Atop the floating castle a strange house stirred and unfurled large wing-like leaves that soon became a blur of motion. Suddenly the house launched itself into the night sky and the mortar team opened fire. The house began a dangerous dance with the incoming projectiles, deploying gouts of fairy dust as a chaff countermeasure and swerving wildly towards the harbor and the open sea.

At the harbor the agents struck up a conversation with local harpoon salesman Salty Peat Ricky, inquiring about the best kind of harpoon to use on flying houses. While professing his experience was mostly whale oriented, Salty Peat suggested the C-Dominator X58, and demonstrated the monstrous harpoon gun to the agents. As he showed Splash how to disable the safety, D.B. set about tying the harpoon’s rope to everyone within reach. Splash sighted the Hunter-Seeker winging towards the harbor, and after being complimented for his bead on the target, disabled the safety and fired the monstrous gun.

The kickback punched Splash through the dock and into the cold harbor waters until the rope around his waist ran out of slack and yanked him back up through the broken dock and into the rushing night sky. Due to Salty Peat’s expert guidance and customer service, the agents found themselves two hundred feet above the harbor tumbling across the front yard of the Hunter-Seeker. After tampering with the Hunter-Seeker’s mailbox, the agents were challenged by the dreaded Fae gatekeeper Ridley Warrendor.

Splash quickly bested the arrogant Riddley with a clever riddle, but D.B. appeared to have met an insurmountable challenge. But lo! What cannot be solved with wits can often be resolved through the cunning application of a crowbar!

After leaving Ridley dangling from a rope over the side of the flying house, the agents made small talk with butler Jarvis over some tea before introducing themselves to the Terrene supervisor Smithereen Smith. Splash explained that Piper himself had sent them to resolve a delicate management issue. The tiny man shuddered at the name and directed the agents to see Sheila who was the head of the household and, by all accounts, a stone cold bitch.

Upstairs the party drew a milk bath for the flighty Farren and left her alone with Frederick Gerard so they could become better acquainted. After poisoning the kitchen with iron, the agents confidently entered Sheila’s office. At first all seemed to be going well, with Sheila politely asking the agents their names and business. However it soon became apparent that unlike Farren this pixie was no airhead, and her manner turned cold and ruthless as she dissected the agents’ attempts to sabotage her mission.

As if discussing the weather, Sheila matter of factly explained that she would kill the agents by using their own names against them. While D.B. had given her a fake name, Splash broke out in a cold sweat from the realization that he had not. Seeking to avoid his imminent demise, he challenged the faerie to a game of chance. If the agents lost, they would reveal the location of their employer. If they won, Sheila would send away her formidable Terrene underlings.

For three grueling games, the Fair and the Agency wrestled for domination in an epic clash of the elemental forces of rock, paper and scissor. D.B. fell quickly to Sheila’s cruel cunning, but when he could not continue Splash stepped into the breach and brought them back from the brink of annihilation. As sudden death drew to its final conclusion, Sheila found her hundreds of years of tactical experience smashed to bits beneath the rock avalanche of the clever Genasi Assassin.

At the cessation of hostilities, Splash offered the stunned pixie a temporary truce. The agents would assist the Fae in locating Firestone, and in return they would receive the Hunter-Seeker as payment. A dark smile briefly crossed Sheila’s face. This ‘truce’ will be our rematch, she thought to herself as she considered the loosely defined terms. And with Piper himself on the way, there was no way she could lose this time. . .

ACHIEVEMENTS

• DON’T FIRE TILL YOU SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR WINDOWS!
• DOCK BREAKER COMBO
• MAIL FRAUD, OR MORAL GRAY AREA?
• DID THEY TEACH YOU TO FLY AT DOOR COLLEGE?
• ALWAYS RESPECT THE BUTLER
• THE NEXT IRON CHEF
• A DEADLY GAME OF CAT AND ALSO-CAT

Contributing Agents: D. B. Gengar and Splash Winterfall
Award: Splash +1 First Resort for fraudulent distortion of the Hunter-Seeker’s objective
Award: TBA ???

The only remaining leads on the GBK lay locked inside the comatose mind of lizardman Dr Gulliver, who had been captured during an unplanned raid of Kit’s Zypher Laboratory. But the agency holds many keys, one of which was the arcane method of Subconscious Extraction. And so Team Alpha agents D. B. Gengar and Splash Winterfall, with assistance from Sandie Tavros and Scarface, were sent deep into the strange dream world of Dr Gulliver in search of the enemy base known only as Tinderforge.

Immediately the agents found themselves confronted by a bewildering world full of reptilian people. Buildings rose taller than the eye could see and oddly shaped carriages rumbled through the streets, drawn by what a rational mind would presume were invisible horses. But the peaceful bustle of millions was momentarily silenced by the appearance of a skull-faced harbinger in the sky. Sensing the growing panic of the frantic crowds, the agents descended into a concrete cave to find refuge from the descending meteor.

Inside they were greeted by the mighty warlock Tyler Rex, who hurriedly ushered them to a place of safety known as the ARC. There the agents found Dr Gulliver surveying the demolished ruin of his civilization. He told them of Tyler Rex’s ARC, and how when completed it would take what remained of his people to another world. D. B. Gengar helpfully lied that he saw Tyler Rex, hero to the people, totally eat some dude.

Suddenly the sad dream flipped to a deadly nightmare. Blood oozed from the walls and the metallic scent of it rolled through the room in thick waves. Tyler Rex stood at the center of it all, ravenously tearing into the flesh of a lifeless lizardwoman. As his bloodlust cooled, Tyler appeared to notice the others in the room for the first time. “She..she attacked me. You all saw it right? And I defended myself. But then she was dead and, well there’s so little food left it would’ve been a waste to…don’t look at me like that! I’m starving to death here!”

Unable to face his shame, Tyler sought to abandon the world and his people by using the ARC’s incomplete Dimensionator. But his tiny arms were no match for the snake-like Scarface, and Tyler could only roar in impotent fury as Dr Gulliver activated the dimensional transport.

Suddenly the group found themselves amid the wreckage of the ARC off the coast of Dark Atlantis. They made their way to the shore assisted by some inexplicably helpful dolphins. There Dr Gulliver explained his reason for joining GBK, how they had promised to help him find Tyler Rex so he could have vengeance. Sensing an opportunity, Splash assumed the dream form of the hated nemesis and proclaimed his intention to flee to Tinderforge. Gulliver however had come prepared, and proceeded to hunt Splash through the streets and shoot at him with tranquilizing darts.

Finally Splash was able to lose the tenacious doctor and resume his original form. Still flushed from the hunt, Gulliver grabbed a random blue-glowing sword and marched the group back towards the harbor. There they met a rather self-aware man named Yologo, who ferried them towards a small obsidian island that served as the entrance to Tinderforge.

Down below inside the marble palace beneath the ocean’s waves, the arrogant warlock Tyler Rex faced off against the furious Dr Gulliver. There could never be a victor in this endless war between Dark Sorcery and the Light of Science, however the agents weren’t above playing dirty and tipping the scales.

As the last fragment of Tyler’s Golden Sword of Ages fell to the floor, he looked down upon Gulliver’s Burning Sword of Science, now buried deep within his black heart. Tyler’s final roar died in his throat, and then the rest of him died as well. Apart from his thunderous collapse, the terrible lizard made no sound ever again.

• THE END OF A CRETACEOUS ERA
• IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME
• DOLPHIN FRIENDLY
• SHADOW BOXING
• FIRE-BREATHING SCARFACE
• SPLASH THE TYRANT LIZARD
• TIME FOR MY MEDICINE
• CURSE CROSS-COUNTER!
• THIS HURTS ME MORE THAN IT HURTS YOU
• MINION MAYHEM
• HEARTY MEAL

Contributing Agents: D. B. Gengar, Splash Winterfall, and Sandie Tavros
Award: DB +1 First Resort for turning his groin into a tactical Voodoo doll
Award: Splash +1 First Resort for his portrayal of a maniacal dinosaur

Mission Briefing for Tinderforge Extraction 1. SITUATION The agency has acquired an uncooperative asset (AKA DR. GULLIVER) that is in possession of mission essential knowledge pertaining to the location of a suspected enemy base (AKA TINDERFORGE). Toxicology reports indicate that the asset’s condition is rapidly deteriorating due to a modified strain of Lullabye, a poison that induces a permanent coma unless an antidote is administered at regular intervals. This particular strain has proven unresponsive to any antidote known to the Agency, and time appears to be running out. 2. MISSION Agents D. B. Gengar and Splash Winterfall of Team Alpha will perform an emergency Subconscious Extraction to obtain the location of TINDERFORGE from the asset. They will be assisted by Agent Sandie Tavros who has familiarity with the asset and can provide technological support for the mission. The R&D department will supply the magistics support necessary for the Extraction. 3. EXECUTION After the Agents have been integrated into the asset’s subconscious mind, they must assert control in order to force disclosure of the location of TINDERFORGE. This will be accomplished by locating the asset’s Ego and pulling it into alternate Dream Scenarios. These scenarios, if carefully chosen, will allow the Agents to manipulate the asset into revealing information on the GBK. The Agents are strongly encouraged to work closely with the R&D department to develop suitable scenarios for this purpose. 4. RISKS The asset’s subconscious mind will work to expel any detected intrusion. Applying Dream Scenarios will disorganize this resistance, however these scenarios will eventually become corrupted by native dreams and thoughts. If an Agent is terminated while inside the dream they will be extracted, however this process becomes more difficult the deeper the dream becomes…

When the agents of Team Bagpipe regained consciousness they found themselves in what appeared to be a crazed serial killer’s overly elaborate murder puzzle. Sandie, unaccustomed to being chained upside down, frantically set about freeing himself, unaware that in doing so he was signing away the life of his associate Kellsen. Luckily the quick thinking Shamus used his head and managed to save the helpless werewolf from being fatally skewered.

A pointed letter informed the agents that their bodies had been sold to science by Joan the Scarlet Witch as payback for the spectacularly cruel murder of her favorite Crow. What kind of science became a bit clearer as the agents undid the last lock and were swallowed into Zypher-space.

The agents emerged into a restaurant stuck between dimensions, and beheld a sleeping mountain of hair known as Haggar the Adorable. The agents were torn between whether to flee the slumbering beast or utilize their devious cunning, and as usual settled on using copious volumes of fire. After collecting a key from the charred corpse, the agents unlocked the next tunnel in Zypher-space.

This time they found themselves within the space between Dark Atlantis and the Feywild. Soon they stumbled onto one of Piper‘s Curses, where sixteen of King Fancy’s Autumn Guard had been transformed into chess pieces while chasing after Fair Susan two centuries ago. Shamus took the King’s men head on, while from outside the ring Sandie suplexed pieces onto the table of the stunned announcers. Kellsen took advantage of the opening they’d created and leapt upon the exposed King piece, ripping free the key and checking that son of a bitch into the dirt. The match was over.

After threatening to make a tree eat its own children, the agents reentered Zypher-space only to find something amiss. Unseen technicians hissed that the channel was being hacked by someone from the outside, and under the assault the nowhere space shattered and spilled the agents into the maintenance area underneath Kit’s Zypher Laboratory.

The lizardmen scientists continued to search the multiverse for the agents, unaware that they were just underfoot and breaking the hell out their coolant system. The agents climbed into the lab, now awash with toxic alchemy and wild dimensional sorcery, and in the confusion made their escape back onto the streets of Dark Atlantis.

According to documents obtained by Kellsen, the setback at the Museum of Unnatural History left the GBK unable to build a fully functioning Zypher. But while they could not open a full portal, they could use it to break into pre-existing portal pathways. By using expendable test subjects, they hoped to map out the entire system. But to what end?

Achievements

• I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
• KELLSEN RECEIVES MOST ABUSIVE SHAMUS-HANDLER AWARD!
• THIS IS WHY PLAYERS AREN’T ALLOWED IN BARS ANYMORE
• SANDIE IS NOW A MEMBER OF THE WORLD WRESTLING CHESS FEDERATION!
• WITHERBARK TOOK YOU FOR A BUNCH OF SAPS
• MR FREEZER’S DAY OFF
• KELLSEN UNLOCKED HIS FIRST PORTAL TO A REALM OF ENDLESS HORROR!
• MAKING A NOTE HERE: HUGE SUCCESS!

Contributing Agents: Kellsen Howler, Sandie Tavros, and Shamus

After analyzing the Ritual of Azzak obtained from the The Mad Library, the agency concluded that the GBK was seeking to construct an inter-dimensional key known as a Zypher. While such keys are not a threat in and of themselves, a maliciously or improperly designed Zypher could be very dangerous. So when the agency learned that GBK was attempting to acquire a necessary component from the Museum of Unnatural History, Team Alpha was sent in to stop them.

Team Alpha quickly decided that a field trip was in order for the orphans of Destiny Falls, and gave Mesmeralda and Timothy Gilroy the afternoon off. The agents and their excited charges arrived at the museum, but discovered to their horror that it was closed for Sunfall! However, the owners had entrusted their security to Doory, a sentient and somewhat disgruntled entryway. While talking doors are great for creating that old-timey Gerardian ambiance, they are incredibly vulnerable to threats, coercion, bribes, boredom, termites, and manipulative individuals. The party soon made their way inside.

The agents marveled at the collection of extinct creatures on display, which included a well preserved Yoyoi, several life-size scaly mammoths, and a complete Dracolich. The Dracolich, once known as Xerses the Ever-Awesome and Super-Cool, had fallen on hard times. He had been made into an exhibit by one of the Gerards, after which he was mugged by not just one but two Major Players. The agents instructed the children to all laugh at Xerses, and then proceeded onto the next exhibit.

In the Hall of Gerard the agents discovered an old Railgun Missile that emitted an intense magistical signature that might be capable of powering a Zypher. Their attempts to abscond with it were interrupted when two security guards demanded they leave the museum immediately. The agents executed Plan Scorched Earth, and soon orphans were stealing everything of value that was not nailed down.

The rampant larceny failed to distract the “guards”, who threw off their disguises to reveal they were the minions that GBK had sent to infiltrate the museum. After an intense battle that was half parkour, half Orange Box infringement, the minions were desperately fleeing for their lives from the Team Alpha onslaught. The victory celebration was short lived however, as the Railgun Missile had been slammed into the ground several times during the melee and seemed ready to explode at any moment.

With a whoop Freddy launched the orphan and artifact laden DrillMaster exhibit and punched it through the museum wall and out onto the streets of Dark Atlantis with the agents swinging off the back. The drill spun into action and plunged the precious cargo down into the earth, just before the neighborhood was lit by a brilliant white light that temporarily dwarfed the brooding sun.

Achievements

• PARENTAL PERMISSION SLIPS NOT REQUIRED OR POSSIBLE
• NOTHING SAYS HAPPY HOLIDAYS QUITE LIKE A SWEATSHOP
• ROPE LOVE BURNS
• ONE MONSTER’S ART IS ANOTHER MONSTER’S EXTORTION
• APERTURE SCIENCE IS STILL ALIVE
• EXPLOSIVE FINALE
• D. B. GENGAR UNLOCKED THE HORATIO CAINE AWARD, YEEAAAAAAHHH!

Contributing Agents: D. B. Gengar and Splash Winterfall

Following a lead from a previously planted surveillance device, the agents of Team Bagpipe ventured forth to their local library in search of a long forgotten copy of the Ritual of Azzak. This ancient ritual would be the key to understanding the goals of the shadowy organization GBK, however such knowledge would come at a cost.

On arriving at the Library, the agents discovered that it had been sealed long ago during the reign of Jirrim Gerard. A sect of battle-hardened librarians were all that remained, servants of Ioun the god of knowledge tasked with braving the treacherous Stacks to free the information trapped within. And it was indeed treacherous work, for the abandoned books had grown restless and wild over the long centuries and held no fear of man.

Unaware of the danger, and apparently unwilling to educate themselves, the agents blindly charged forward to claim their prize. This plan worked well for some, while others barely managed to avoid being devoured by a tidal wave of bloodthirsty books. Ascending to the second floor after passing the Test of Knowledge, the agents once again met Lili the Intern at her trans-dimensional information booth.

Having no time for the woman’s advice, agents Big Bear and Shamus boldly entered the Ritual Repository. Meanwhile, Kellsen visited with Tolliver and Charls the Webmaster and learned some useful facts. Namely how to enter the Ritual Repository and not end up dead. Knowing was indeed half the battle, but for Big Bear the fight was already over. Shamus was gripped by terror as his compatriot, the self-proclaimed “Dragon Slayer”, was himself extinguished. As Big Bear lay dying on the library floor, Shamus shut his eyes and ran for his life.

The agents, now a duo, regrouped and returned to the Ritual Repository. Kellsen led the way to Ritual of Azzak, which was guarded by a powerful Invocation Riddle. The device used their own words to unleash a creature so horrifying as to be beyond description. A fate worse than death was only avoided due to Shamus’s spirit animal, which was sacrificed to the beast in an act best described as a Crime Against Humanity.

While the spirit animal…wrestled with the monster, the agents grabbed the Ritual of Azzak and booked it out of the Mad Library.

Contributing Agents: Kellsen Howler, Big Bear, and Shamus